The Black hole

The title for this is pretty self explanatory... I feel as if im in a blackhole... i get real close to the top, where i see the light and where it seems everything is working out, things are coming together... then I feel it. That cold hand on my foot, lightly at first... then more pressure and slowly but swiftly im pulled down again... So far down and so dark i cant see my own hand in front of my face. I can hear my heart beating so i know im still alive... or breathing rather. Alive is a word that would imply living... im not living, im going through the day to day emotions. I smile, I laugh, I play with my kids, I help them with homework, I listen to music, I hang out with my friends... all the while knowing its fake. Its all fake. Im not happy... im not even sure what HAPPY looks like anymore. I dont want to do anything, I dont want to go anywhere, I wan to cry, I want sleep,I want to sit on my back porch for hours and stare and do absolutely nothing. Where are my "friends"? Those people I was on the phone with until 2am? Those people I helped when there life felt like this? Where are they??? They are happy now, they have moved past their hard time therefore they dont need me... but i guarantee when it gets dark again for them they will come around. They will need my amazing advice... the advice i never myself actually take. I wont be there this time because Im dealing with something inside me bigger than their problems. Im trying to find ME. Wherever I have gone I hope I can get ME back... Im desperate scratching at the surface begging to be found. Though this black hole is a comfort for me at this point, its almost like the sadness is better than nothing. At least its an emotion... becuase if I have no emotion at all then im sinking where i dont want to be...the scary darker than dark place, no one should ever have to be....