Smoke & Mirrors...

Is life ever what it seems to be? Not for me... its always the friggin opposite, its like just when I believe things are actually wonderful and my confusing mind is settled it all flips the other way.... I have been dating John for 2 months. A minscule amount of time. We have gotten along better than I have with any other guy. He is everything I want in a guy. Smart, funny, sweet, fun, likes my kids, stable, 2 good jobs, responsible... but there is as much chemistry between us as me and a blade of grass. Im not being mean Im being truthful. I was so sure this was gonna be it for me. I had just never had that much fun with a guy, its so easy to hang out with him, but there is no sexual anything. We arent having sex and Im glad for that because it would make me ending things even more complicated. I was so enjoying having a boyfriend that was really respectful and sweet to me and my kids. But last night I was looking at him and realized its just not there. I was trying really HARD to make myself like him that way. But everytime he touched me, looked at me, talked to me, I felt weird. Awkward. And when he kissed me I was thinking... "oh god, why dont I have to pee now?!" I should not think that I should be excited! I mean why is it so hard for me to be attracted to him. He is wonderful and so fun... but I dont get excited when I am with him, or gonna be with him. I remember a few years ago I was dating this guy and everyday I was excited to see him, I was giddy when he called me, I wanted to make out with him all the time, and talk to him and be with him constantly. I was smitten. It has never been like that with this guy... I feel like a man eater. Then theres the ex. I am telling myself, he has nothing to do with my non-attraction to my guy... but Im not 100 % sure thats telling the truth. Heres the backstory : We were together 6 months and it was HOT the whole time. We never fought, we got into an argument 1 time. Every second we were together we were all over each other, when we werent together we were thinking about being together. We talked about life, love, kids, everything. It was love at first site. I met him at a wedding and when I turned around to see the bride walk down the aisle he was 2 rows behind me and smiling at me and I literally felt faint. We were in love in weeks.... then he stared just being a jerk. Not calling me back, not acting like he wanted to see me. So I broke it off (granted we were 4 years apart at this time... him 20 and me 24 almost 25) and both of us were devastated but it was time. Well a month later I was pregnant and he did nothing. No calls, no nothing. He has in the last month started visitation with her and she loves him and he is head over heels for her. Him and I are now talking alot and he flirts with me and in our class we have to take on Thurs. night he smiles at me alot and winks and that is something he knows that drove me NUTS with him. He has the best smile ever and sexy green eyes (just like Em) and its hard to pay attention to what anyone is saying when he's looking at me :( Life is so tricky sometimes... just when I think I got it locked down... its totally not. Its smoke and mirrors.... always deceiving me... and letting me know I am not in control...