The Black hole

The title for this is pretty self explanatory... I feel as if im in a blackhole... i get real close to the top, where i see the light and where it seems everything is working out, things are coming together... then I feel it. That cold hand on my foot, lightly at first... then more pressure and slowly but swiftly im pulled down again... So far down and so dark i cant see my own hand in front of my face. I can hear my heart beating so i know im still alive... or breathing rather. Alive is a word that would imply living... im not living, im going through the day to day emotions. I smile, I laugh, I play with my kids, I help them with homework, I listen to music, I hang out with my friends... all the while knowing its fake. Its all fake. Im not happy... im not even sure what HAPPY looks like anymore. I dont want to do anything, I dont want to go anywhere, I wan to cry, I want sleep,I want to sit on my back porch for hours and stare and do absolutely nothing. Where are my "friends"? Those people I was on the phone with until 2am? Those people I helped when there life felt like this? Where are they??? They are happy now, they have moved past their hard time therefore they dont need me... but i guarantee when it gets dark again for them they will come around. They will need my amazing advice... the advice i never myself actually take. I wont be there this time because Im dealing with something inside me bigger than their problems. Im trying to find ME. Wherever I have gone I hope I can get ME back... Im desperate scratching at the surface begging to be found. Though this black hole is a comfort for me at this point, its almost like the sadness is better than nothing. At least its an emotion... becuase if I have no emotion at all then im sinking where i dont want to be...the scary darker than dark place, no one should ever have to be....

Smoke & Mirrors...

Is life ever what it seems to be? Not for me... its always the friggin opposite, its like just when I believe things are actually wonderful and my confusing mind is settled it all flips the other way.... I have been dating John for 2 months. A minscule amount of time. We have gotten along better than I have with any other guy. He is everything I want in a guy. Smart, funny, sweet, fun, likes my kids, stable, 2 good jobs, responsible... but there is as much chemistry between us as me and a blade of grass. Im not being mean Im being truthful. I was so sure this was gonna be it for me. I had just never had that much fun with a guy, its so easy to hang out with him, but there is no sexual anything. We arent having sex and Im glad for that because it would make me ending things even more complicated. I was so enjoying having a boyfriend that was really respectful and sweet to me and my kids. But last night I was looking at him and realized its just not there. I was trying really HARD to make myself like him that way. But everytime he touched me, looked at me, talked to me, I felt weird. Awkward. And when he kissed me I was thinking... "oh god, why dont I have to pee now?!" I should not think that I should be excited! I mean why is it so hard for me to be attracted to him. He is wonderful and so fun... but I dont get excited when I am with him, or gonna be with him. I remember a few years ago I was dating this guy and everyday I was excited to see him, I was giddy when he called me, I wanted to make out with him all the time, and talk to him and be with him constantly. I was smitten. It has never been like that with this guy... I feel like a man eater. Then theres the ex. I am telling myself, he has nothing to do with my non-attraction to my guy... but Im not 100 % sure thats telling the truth. Heres the backstory : We were together 6 months and it was HOT the whole time. We never fought, we got into an argument 1 time. Every second we were together we were all over each other, when we werent together we were thinking about being together. We talked about life, love, kids, everything. It was love at first site. I met him at a wedding and when I turned around to see the bride walk down the aisle he was 2 rows behind me and smiling at me and I literally felt faint. We were in love in weeks.... then he stared just being a jerk. Not calling me back, not acting like he wanted to see me. So I broke it off (granted we were 4 years apart at this time... him 20 and me 24 almost 25) and both of us were devastated but it was time. Well a month later I was pregnant and he did nothing. No calls, no nothing. He has in the last month started visitation with her and she loves him and he is head over heels for her. Him and I are now talking alot and he flirts with me and in our class we have to take on Thurs. night he smiles at me alot and winks and that is something he knows that drove me NUTS with him. He has the best smile ever and sexy green eyes (just like Em) and its hard to pay attention to what anyone is saying when he's looking at me :( Life is so tricky sometimes... just when I think I got it locked down... its totally not. Its smoke and mirrors.... always deceiving me... and letting me know I am not in control...

Greetings from Us!

I blog on my myspace religiously, but I thought maybe a little blog of my own would be nice! Im so new to having my own little space here and Im excited to blab about random everyday crap, thats my thing!

I am (as my title for my page says) a single mom. I have 2 wonderfully amazing monster kids that I love more than anything else in the entire world. I was born to be a mother to these kids, they are my light and my reason for happiness. They are funny, sweet, caring, frustrating, exhausting and worth every headache and bad mood I may stumble upon.
Preston : He is my knight! He really is the sweestest 7 yr. old boy in the world. He can tell when Im upset or having a bad day without me crying or saying anything. He is smart and energetic and his imagination is ridiculous, he wrote a 3 page story (with my help!) the other day that came from his head and it was amazing! He astounds me constantly! He has a wicked temper though and while he is outgoing and talkative he needs his space, just like me. He is also very sensitive and doesnt like alot of attention.
Emma : She is my comedian/ actress/tomboy/princess... she is so much like me its scary. She loves to fix things and play with Barbies, she is dramatic and wild. She was my calm baby and then at 12 months, BAM! She's all over the place, she is so full of energy I have never seen anything like it! She can go 12 hours and still be going!!!!!!!! She is very feisty and when her minds set you willhave a hard time changing it for anything! She talks constantly, she is extremely independent and she is a handful, but she's fun.

And about me...
I am 28 and just finishing school.. I am currently looking for a paralegal job but with this economy coming up short. I am thinking Im just gonna take whatever can get me thru until I find what I really want. I am a wanna be author, I have written alot but want to have a book published. I am currently obsessed with the Twilight Series, I read all the books and now Im reading Twilight (book1) again! I love reading, writing, shopping, fashion mags, gossip mags, cooking, tv, movies, being outside... pretty much anything!